On 29

"Eek!" That's my first thought when I think about turning 29 on Monday. My second is -- "quick! I must do everything left on that "before I turn 30, I will do these things" list I made when I was 25!" And then I start thinking about where I am now, and where I thought I'd be at this point.

My friend Ned asked me about this over lunch yesterday, during one of our annual catch-up sessions. One of the lovely things about continuing to live in the same city as my parents is that I don't have to travel anywhere for Christmas. Just a 20 minute drive, and I'm home. I get to catch up once a year with a few friends of mine who only make the long trek to Seattle for the holidays. Anyway, long digression aside, Ned asked me yesterday how I feel about turning 29.

Part of me wonders where all the time went. How did the last few years in particular go by so fast? Time plodded along at this wonderfully lazy pace, and then all of a sudden I was out of college and trying to find my sense of direction. I think I've spent most of my twenties trying to find that direction -- trying to find something to grasp onto to point me down my path. I've taken quite a few wrong turns, but I think I've finally found it. Becoming a middle school teacher feels like coming home, and I think that's how I know I've found my direction.

When I got out of college, my dad insisted that I have a plan and stick to it. My initial plan was to go to grad school in sociology, get my PhD, and become a college professor. Since I wanted to teach at a liberal arts college, I would have likely ended up in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I became miserable on the PhD track. I can't explain it -- I just didn't feel like me. I felt myself turning into a heartless narcissistic person. So, long story short, had I stuck with that plan, I would have been a narcissist living in a tiny town somewhere, lonely, sad, and unable to change her situation. While I love my dad dearly and inherited his linear engineer's brain (sometimes I call phone conversations with my dad "speaking engineer"), I couldn't stick to that plan.

Should I have changed my path earlier? The little voice that told me to teach middle school was practically shouting before I finally listened to it. Well, yes, but then I wouldn't have fallen in love with a country that no longer exists. I wouldn't have learned Bosnian, Croatian, and Serbian. I wouldn't have danced in the rainstorm that broke the European heatwave in 2006. I wouldn't have experienced my first mosh pit at the Beastie Boys concert in Novi Sad. I wouldn't have taken my family to the Balkans. I wouldn't have sat in a rural village in the High Atlas Mountains of Morocco and talked about religion with my host sister in the language only she and I understood. And I can't imagine a version of me who hadn't done all these things. I can't imagine a version of me who doesn't recognize (and start speaking in) Serbian when she hears it in the grocery store.

Plans can and do change. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the versions of me that made opposite choices to what I've done. Would I still be on the verge of challenging myself to learn the skills to climb Mt. Rainier? Am I living in a foreign country? Most importantly, am I happy? Right now, at this moment in my life, I am truly happy. I've been spun around like a top, and I followed my heart -- the best compass I have. I've found this quiet joy, this sense of doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't know how many people in this world find that. I'd like to hope that I didn't just get lucky, and that my friends and family will get to experience this feeling at some point in their lives.

29 is approaching rapidly, and I hope the last year of my twenties is a good one. I've got some exciting travel plans, and I'll start student teaching towards the end of it. I'm going to begin learning the skills I'll need to climb Mt. Rainier. I'm surrounded by laughter and the love of my amazing family and friends. That "eek!" about turning 29 is turning into "yay!" I've accomplished over half of the big things I wanted to do between 25 and 30, and I think I can cross a few more off that list. :)

It's nearly Christmas, and tonight I will be at my aunt and uncle's house, enjoying the company of my relatives. May this Christmas also find you and yours happy, healthy, well, and loved. Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Sretan Božić i Cpeтaн Бoжић cви мojих пpиjaтeљa.