A Field Guide to the NW Male Action FIgure

Pemco Insurance recently came out with a series of hilarious TV and radio spots profiling common Northwest stereotypical characters. One of my favorites is that of the Northwest Male Action Figure -- basically the guy who is always ready for an adventure, anytime, anywhere. You can check out the commercial here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qlku9Wzs62s

Today, while doing avalanche awareness training with The Mountaineers at Snoqualmie Pass, one of the leaders was trying to figure out how the avalanche beacon I'd borrowed from my mountain climber friend Scott worked.

"Does this thing work for normal people?" he asked.

"Not sure. The friend I borrowed it from is a Northwest Male Action Figure."

Everyone in the class started laughing. They knew exactly what kind of person I was talking about.

As a member of the Mountaineers and an outdoors enthusiast, I have many friends who could be described as NW Male Action Figures. So this afternoon, I give you A Field Guide to the NW Male Action Figure.

1. A NW Male Action Figure is a unique individual who enjoys many outdoor activities. Not only does he enjoy these outdoor activities, but he enjoys them to the extreme. He can't just hike up a trail, no. He must run up it. At least twice in a day. And beat his last "endurance hike" time by a few minutes each time.

2. He rock climbs. He tried scrambling once, but found that it was a gateway drug, and that he wanted more. So he invested in a harness, helmet, rope, and all sorts of other assorted gear for this new hobby of his. He loves to climb, and often talks about his climbs at great length, thinking that clearly, all his friends must love to climb too. Even the ones who have expressed their extreme fear of heights.

3. He skis. This is a requirement of the NW Male Action Figure. He doesn't just ski -- he does so in the backcountry almost exclusively.

4. He owns multiple pairs of skis. And snowshoes. And poles. In fact, he owns so much gear that he could outfit a 12-person party on a multi-day trip.

5. He owns more outdoor gadgets than any other person you know. And when you need to borrow an avalanche beacon for a class, you call him first. Because you know he'll have one. Maybe even two.

6. He buys new outdoor gadgets the day they come out. But he never buys these at REI, because REI is the domain of wannabe NW Male Action Figures. (And it's a little overpriced.) No -- he must go to a local store that sells local organic down bags.

7. Preferably local organic down bags where the down comes from geese who lives long, happy lives and were pampered with daily sponge baths, premium goose food, and plucked with the greatest care and sensitivity.

8. Because he owns so much gear, he drives a car with good clearance and a very large trunk. Most likely, said car is a Suburu.

9. He can fit more shit into a Suburu than anyone else you know.

10. His Suburu is always dirt spattered from his latest adventure. It likely also has a few scratches on it. He can tell you exactly where he got the scratches.

11. He sometimes speaks in a confusing lingo of gear and acronyms. He'll go on at length about the pros and cons of metal edges on touring skis for 5 minutes before realizing that the quizzical look on your face means you have no idea what metal edges or touring skis actually are.

12. He's summitted almost every NW volcano. And when you are thinking about attempting to summit a volcano, he gets a wistful look in his eyes and says "I remember when I was young and summitting my first volcano." Even though you're the same age he is.

13. Because he rock climbs and summits NW volcanoes, he is familiar with the use of a wag bag. Not only is he completely comfortable discussing how to shit in the woods, but he has all sorts of stories about shitting while rock climbing -- basically, how to take a shit when one is hundreds of feet in the air.

14. Of all your friends, he's the one with the craziest stories. This makes him the life of the parties he goes to on weekends when the weather is crappy and he doesn't go out and summit something.

15. In the winter, he literally spends every minute of every weekend skiing. He works to ski.

16. He's a great guy, a wonderful friend, and someone you can always count on to be up for hiking/climbing/snowshoeing/favorite outdoor sport of the moment.

Add any more you can think of. :)